Strapped Down Read online

  “I like to remind them both that it’s better he’s gone.”

  “I didn’t realize they would call your parents. Does your dad know about the investigation? That he attacked me?”

  “He said the police mentioned he was a suspect in an assault case. The cops can’t disclose your identity due to the nature of the crime. I made sure with the detective that even though it was a family matter, you did not want them knowing you were the victim.”

  “I didn’t even think of that possibility. That they might find that out. I really don’t want them to know that. It would be so weird and uncomfortable.”

  “I can’t promise it won’t ever come out. If they find him and we have to go to trial…”

  “God. I just hope he stays away.”

  “Even if it did come about, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Eric is in the wrong. We are doing what we have to do to right his wrong. Lucky for us, Nan is really in denial about Eric. She’s really pissed at him for leaving. She’s not the type to blindly defend her son as you can tell.”

  “I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but she’s very icy. I mean, almost robotic.”

  “Yeah, I told you, she’s a little frigid towards me. It goes both ways though.”

  “I think she’s a little frigid in general, Taylor. She seems pretty indifferent about her own son.”

  “Well she thinks Eric just up and left one day and never came back. So she’s really bitter about that. She doesn’t know about the agreement. Eric didn’t want her to know about the accusations against him of trying to have me killed and my father didn’t want to deal with her blaming him for the whole mess. So she thinks he left to start over, away from all of us. He was always a handful, so it made sense.”

  “Oh my god, so all of you just let her think her son just up and left?”

  “Yes. It worked for all sides.”

  “Probably not for her though.”

  “It’s better she doesn’t know what her son is capable of. You heard her, she doesn’t even want to know.”

  “I suppose. It’s just weird how she is so open about it, yet so avoidant at the same time.”

  “Welcome to the Holden family. Thick skin required as there is no pussy-footing. You’re the first woman I’ve brought home, so I think they realize you are a special person. They also both know about your newly discovered past, so I think they know you ‘get it.’”

  “Well there’s one benefit. Thirty-two years old…They must’ve hounded you all the time about making some grandkids since Eric is out of the picture.”

  “No, they know me and they came to terms with it all a long time ago. They just thought I’d be a perpetual bachelor, jumping from one casual relationship to another.” I didn’t know sex slaves were casual. “My father was pretty shocked to find out about you.”

  “I guess I cracked the code.”

  “I could still end up a bachelor,” he says playfully.

  “You better watch your mouth,” I say in jest. While he was joking, the thought stings a bit. “Hey, was it me, or were you sticking it to your dad with that comment about me and my mom being on our own?”

  “It wasn’t you.”

  “What was that all about?”

  “I don’t think he treated you fairly. He was wealthy. The least he could have done was set you and your mother up. He told me he was in shock and didn’t think of it. When the dust settled, he claims he didn’t know how to find her, but I don’t buy that. That was just an excuse. It seems no one wants to be reminded of their mistakes, so it’s easier to just pretend they didn’t exist.”

  “It is what it is. We all have fucked up at some point.”

  “It’s just, I look at all of the things I had, and I know you went without for so long.”

  “It’s okay. It builds character.”

  “So do sports and charity work. It’s no excuse. You should have been helped. Your mother saved my life. He should have helped her.”

  “My mother wanted to do things her way. I’m not going to blame your father for what happened to me and you shouldn’t either.”

  “I hold people responsible for what they could have done better. First, he impregnates a sixteen year old girl, then he turns his back on the woman who saved me. It makes me question his integrity. What else he has hidden from me? He protected my piece of shit brother who tried to have me killed. He didn’t even warn me Eric was in town. For too long I have cut him slack because he did what he was supposed to do as my father.”

  Tell him. Tell him his mother’s body was never found. “But you said you didn’t want to know more.”

  “That’s different.”

  “I’m sorry, but I have to call you on some of your bullshit.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “My mother wants to clear stuff up and you don’t want to hear it.”

  “There are facts, and there are opinions. Your mother wants to convince me that my mother loved me. Well fuck that. What she put me through wasn’t love, and nothing your mother can say can change my opinion. Love is shown, not spoken. Unless Lyla can crawl out of a grave and prove herself, the case is closed.” I don’t say anything, just continue to walk alongside Taylor. “Listen, I know you are trying to help. I do. But just because your mother decided to open up to you, it doesn’t make me obligated to have to talk to her about it. I want to move forward with you, not sit around reminiscing about our extraordinarily shitty pasts. You could tell me my mother was a guardian angel, you could tell me that she had good intentions, but it won’t make the nightmares stop, it won’t make me a nicer person, it won’t make me hate people less, or want to hug my family. I am who I am. There is something you need to understand about me. Who I am with you, is not who I am with everyone else. It’s important you remember that, or you will be disappointed.”

  “I’m sorry. I won’t ask again.”

  “You know I have no problem asking for what I want so there’s no need to insist upon something. If I want to do something, I’ll tell you.”

  We hike through the woods to a high point where Taylor used to go as a child.

  “When I wanted to be alone, which was often, this is where I came.” In the vista the tops of trees peek out from a dense mist. Green, gold, and orange mountains along the horizon look too perfect to be real. We sit on a large rock. “It’s still here,” he says pointing to an etching of his name in the stone in jagged letters. “It’s getting dark, we should head back. I hope you worked up an appetite because they really do expect us to eat all that.”

  We return back to the house and eat another meal. A woman floats around the house who was not present before. Apparently she is Randall’s caretaker, Marnie. She tells us that Randall is resting in his study. Nan left the house to run errands. Once we are finished, Taylor says he has surprise plans for me later. Just as he is about to explain, his cell phone rings.

  “Shit, it’s Nan. She has a flat. Stay here, I am going to go get her quick.”

  “You sure you don’t want me to come?”

  “No, it’s starting to rain. You’d just be sitting in the car. It shouldn’t be long. Make yourself at home. There’s a TV in our room or in the living room.”

  The front door slams and the beams of light from the SUV filter through the front window curtains as he pulls away. I settle on the living room couch and flip through the television channels, looking for something to watch. The house is so still that I forget that Randall is still somewhere in it. I find some detective show and settle in, after a while I nod off, only to be awoken by Marnie.

  “Miss Shyla?” I shoot up, a little embarrassed that I was caught snoozing on the couch. “Sorry honey. Randall wants to see you in his study.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  The ornate wooden door to Randall’s study is ajar. Hesitantly, I push it open just enough to get a view of him tending to a crackling fireplace. After he puts the poker back in its place, he flexes and extends the fingers of his right hand, wincing in pain.


  “Mr. Holden?”

  “Randall is fine, Shyla. Come have a seat.”

  I cautiously sit across from him in a large buckskin wingback chair in front of the fireplace. Seconds pass, but the silence between us feels like it will never end until he finally speaks.

  “What’s he like?”

  “I, uh, Taylor?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m not sure how to answer that. What do you mean?” I ask.

  Randall looks down, as if trying to find the right words. “You know, I’ve made a lot of mistakes as a father, but I’ve tried. I tried so hard with those boys…” His voice trails off, but I say nothing. “Eric was so emotional, so sensitive. I could never get him to think with his head,” he clenches his fists in frustration. “And then Taylor…when I finally got him, he just, I couldn’t break through. He was always so sad. It was always in his eyes.”

  I gently nod. I am all too familiar with the sadness he speaks of.

  “I was wrong for what happened with Taylor’s mother, we should have never — I should have never — been with her. But I’d do it all over again: the shame, Nan hating me when she found out, even losing Eric, for that boy. I’ve lost one son; he comes and he goes for months, years even, at a time. All I have left is Taylor, and I am so proud of him, but at the same time, it’s like I don’t even know him.”

  “I understand Taylor can be…aloof, but whenever he speaks of you, he does so very fondly.” Randall’s openness is so unlike Taylor and I wonder if this is who he is, or if it’s desperation from years of loneliness.

  Watching Randall’s eyes just barely glimmer at my words chokes me up. This is what it is like to love Taylor and not get it back, this is the effect that Taylor has on everyone else. He absorbs love much like a black hole, never reflecting it back, just sucking the light away from its source.

  “He talks about me?”

  “Yes. He told me he is very grateful for the life you provided him. He knows you tried your best.” Randall smiles faintly.

  “I just need to make sure you have his best interests at heart. I know he seems strong, but really he is fragile. And I can tell he feels very strongly about you.”

  “Your son—Taylor—is…protective. Charismatic. Funny. Sarcastic. He’s a great cook too. He’s stubborn as hell, and he can be very direct, sometimes forgetting about people’s feelings. You’re right, there is a part of him that is tremendously fragile, but at the same time he is so strong, so capable.”

  “Funny, huh?”

  “Yeah, at least I think so.”

  “Does he allow you to touch him?”

  The intimacy of our conversation is premature, yet it feels completely natural. We both are isolated by our love for Taylor and finally there is someone we can speak to who understands. And while I have only been in this state for months, Randall has been alone in this love for decades.

  “Yes.”

  Randall’s moistened eyes reflect the flames burning in the fireplace like small mirrors.

  “I thought he might never find that,” he says warmly.

  I smile. “I have to admit I was nervous coming here. I thought you might not like me, because of my history.”

  Randall snaps back into the present. “I can’t say I was thrilled when he told me, but Taylor is a grown man and he is capable of making his own decisions. I didn’t know what to expect, but when you came through the door, I felt at ease. You’re just a young lady, and like Taylor, you didn’t get to choose your circumstances. Nonetheless, you have to understand that I’ve spent my entire life trying to move him away from C.O.S. I hope I don’t offend you by saying this: my first instinct was to think that somehow you sought him, because of your common circumstances and his wealth.”

  “I guess it’s natural to think that. I can’t prove to you otherwise, but I had no idea about my father until days ago. I work. I make my own money. Taylor is rich and I can’t make that go away, but he came after me. He courted me.”

  Randall seems satisfied with the answer, or at least he pretends to be. “So Taylor tells me your mother just told you after all these years?”

  “Yes, my mother wanted to shield me too. I’m not even sure it has really sunken in.”

  “It’s a painful past. I am sure she had your best intentions in mind.” Isn’t there a saying about good intentions and where they end up?

  “Is that why you haven’t told Taylor his mother’s body was never found?”

  Randall’s eyes open wide and he sits back. “You are bold; I can see why Taylor has taken such a liking to you.” Then his voice raises with a touch of alarm. “Does he know?”

  “No, I haven’t told him because I am not sure it’s worth it.”

  “Well, then you know why I haven’t.”

  “Do you believe she’s dead?”

  “She’s been gone for decades. It doesn’t even matter anymore. How did you know? Your mother.”

  “Yes.”

  “Taylor knows he can ask me anything. He never wanted to know about Lyla. Despite what she brought him into, I don’t hate her. She was young and confused. I harbor some of the blame for that.”

  “But if you told him his mother was dead, then how would he know what to ask?”

  “She is presumed dead. Legally. That is not a lie. I never said where her body was. Taylor assumed that and it wouldn’t take much digging around or asking to know otherwise.”

  “I guess it’s my turn to hope I don’t offend, but I believe that is lying by omission.”

  “Point taken, but I did what I had to do to move that boy forward. Imagining his dead mother might be alive somewhere does not allow for that.”

  “He told me you put a picture of her on his mirror.”

  “Yes. I wanted him to know that it was okay to think about her, that I wouldn’t be offended or upset. Like you said, he is stubborn. He never wanted to talk; for the first year he was here he didn’t say a word. And then he seemed to find his way on his own and I was so scared if I pushed I might silence him again.” His way. BDSM, isolation, night terrors. That’s Taylor’s way.

  “He has done a lot with H.I. He has become such a success despite the circumstances.”

  “Yes, he has.” There are few moments of contemplative silence before Randall speaks again. “Forgive me for being so personal, but, you have probably figured out we Holdens don’t beat around the bush. You love him don’t you?”

  “Um…yes. I do.” I only hesitate because I wonder if this is something that Taylor wants me to share with his father, but I cannot lie. The conversation thus far has been too intimate to do so without Randall knowing.

  “And he you?”

  “I think you should ask—“

  “Both you and I know Taylor won’t tell me. Not those words.”

  I nod.

  He pauses, absorbing my words, nodding ever so slightly to himself. “Well then, tread carefully. The kind of love you have is only written about in books. It is born from suffering. It is a painful love that often comes at the expense of a great tragedy. All sense evaporates within its heat. And nothing that intense lasts forever.”

  “I’m sorry?”

  “He’s always been sad, but you’ve brought him happiness. There is no doubt about that. We both know however, that type of happiness is fleeting, it exists only for that person. Eventually, one needs to find it inside of oneself.”

  “I’m not sure I understand what you’re getting at?”

  “It’s just sage advice. Nothing more. As I said earlier, you and Taylor will do what you please. I just wanted you to know. I could never get through to Taylor, but maybe I can get through to you.”

  “Get what through? That we shouldn’t be together?”

  “That you should seriously consider if two people who share such a past can ever escape it, especially if those two people continue to stay in each other’s lives.”

  “With all due respect Randall, you’re wrong.”

  “How so?”
<
br />   “We have a chance to be happy, to stay happy. You don’t understand what we have and just because we spoke here, and I told you some things, doesn’t mean you do. In fact, it is our pasts that make us relate to each other in a way no one else can. There are no other people for us, we were meant to find each other.”

  “That’s precisely my point. No one understands, it’s you two against the world, isn’t it? I sincerely hope you can stay happy, but so often what is born from tragedy, will end in tragedy.”

  “Just because our parents screwed up, doesn’t mean Taylor and I are destined for heartbreak. Your son is an amazing man, and he deserves to be happy and to be loved.”

  “I couldn’t agree with you more and I hope you will convince him of that.”

  Just then, there is a tap on the door. Taylor walks in with a puzzled look on his face.

  “Taylor, I was just getting to know Shyla over here. She is great company.”

  “Yes she is,” he says suspiciously. “Nan is downstairs. We got a spare on her car, but she’ll need to get the tire patched tomorrow.”

  “Thank you for helping her.”

  “Of course, you’re welcome.”

  “Well, I think I will head to bed,” Randall says, rising from his seat. “Shyla, it was wonderful getting to know you.”

  I smile and nod. “Happy birthday.”

  “Happy birthday,” Taylor says.

  Randall nods assuredly at us both as he exits the study.

  Taylor turns to me. “What was that all about?”

  “I’m not sure. He just wanted to get to know me I guess.”

  “Was he nosing around? You look upset.”

  “A little, but I think he’s lonely. It seems like he wants to make sure you’re okay. He just seems concerned about you, that I might hurt you somehow.”

  “Unbelievable. I apologize you had to go through that. He needs to relax. This is all Eric’s fault. He thinks I am all he has left, blah, blah, blah. Somehow that entitles him to badger you. I’ll tell him to leave you alone.”

  “No, don’t do that. I think he just wishes he knew more about you.”

  “He thinks he does. Sorry about that, I should’ve known he would try to pry.”